***Tacos, Existentialism and the Duality of Darkness vs. Light***

It’s been over a year now, back on Canadian soil. It sort of just happened; I entered the realm of 9-5 jobs... and ended up working 8-6! I started making an income that I could use to invest in my music. I reunited with an old flame. I became available to my family and friends after a long hiatus and a distance that really was a sacrifice – one that both myself and all of them made in supporting this crazy journey that I chose to be on. I got a band of amazing musicians together that I’m really excited about. I’ve created a home with a man I love and who loves me back. I’ve entered into a world I had at one time in my life shunned… in order to justify my choices and make them easier to swallow. But all of those choices have brought me back home, almost seamlessly, as if pulled back by some magnetic force that shifted poles. And the beauty of it all is that I haven’t changed my direction. My music is evolving into something I’m excited about. I’ve got a support network that cheers me on (thanks everyone!) and I feel like I can actually see the advancement step by step. I haven’t sacrificed myself in order to have a bigger paycheck. I do however, spend my time differently these days and I do quite often go through “Mexico withdrawals” – but most times those are softened by a couple tacos at the local taqueria decorated by iconic Mexican characters and where they serve legitimately spicy pico de gallo and salsa verde. The Mexican brand of beer often helps a bit too.

It’s been a different kind of adventure getting to know myself in a different setting, environment. It’s been equally as challenging re-learning the necessity of socks and shoes. The adjustment to the cold weather goes without saying. But it has come as a relief that the volume of sweat that leaves my body, especially while on stage is dramatically lower, so that’s comfortable… and the state of my eye makeup post – show directly reflects this fact. Canada is however, not only good for avoiding raccoon eyes. It’s been good getting re-integrated into a community I had temporarily left behind, but that welcomed me back quite happily. The questions sometimes are hard and the answers are a little harder. I find people asking me when I’m going back to Mexico and my answer is usually one of uncertainty. I’m confident in where I am and why I am here, it’s just difficult for others to understand that and feel confident and trust that it’s for a good reason. Some people express a feeling or a type of disappointment in knowing my current location or schedule as if it directly affects their opinion of me or who I am. It’s like an automatic look of pity or apologies, as if I had given up or succumbed to society’s pressure. I get the urge to scream it out to friends and strangers alike: “I chose this! I keep choosing it! I have not given up, and I will not give up, and HOW DARE YOU think that I ever would give up!” I then try to remind myself to count to 10 and imagine myself on a beach somewhere… Ommmm.

 Nothing has changed except for the way I see myself and the world. I have made sense of that, and I have a sense of peace about it all. I’m moving forward. I choose myself, and I choose my family- I CAN right now. I choose music. I choose love and togetherness. I choose adventure – and the adventure I am living right now may not seem like that big of a deal – since your context sometimes may include this as a consistent reality. But it is a big adventure and learning experience for me just to be in this context of Canadian winters, and comfortable home and office 8-6 living after being out of it for so long. It’s been a long process of settling and evaluation and then re-evaluation. I have struggled through many existential conversations both with friends and internally with myself. It’s funny how we think that one way and only that way is our identity. As if that identity is fixed and firm. How sweet would it be if we understood and were aware of the change that is constantly taking place inside of ourselves based on every one of those experiences. Our reflection of ourselves and everything around us re-shaped and re-evaluated. It evolves. It’s a type of internal evolution and this directly shapes our identity.

And so, I guess in the last year, I have once again surrendered to the “divine essence” or “God” or whatever it is that you believe in (I’m not here to convince you of anything), and have trusted that the whirLwind of life would spit me out right in the place that I need to be. And here I am, writing to you, or for you, or maybe it’s just for me… and I’m good. I miss what I once had. I’m grateful for what I have now. I couldn’t have that which I have today without giving up some of what I had before. I guess that’s the lesson. I feel like I’ve learned it over and over again. But I feel like out of all of this, if you can take one thing away – it’s that you have to have and miss what you do – to eventually have and miss what you will; and that the missing is really the beauty in it all – that fond memory of having: something or someone or someplace. I feel like an excerpt from one of my favourite books by one of my favourite philosophers would fit in just nicely to tie this all together: 

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. - On Joy and Sorrow - Kahlil Gibran- From “The Prophet”

And there you have it: the yin-yang of existence, the duality of light and dark, black and white, good and bad, hot and cold, sun and snow… and so on. We need them both friends, as they are inseparable. I like to think that I’m okay with it. I hope you can be, too.